Today I got my first ever ROOT CANAL. UGH. Shot to the roof of the mouth- don't believe the hype, it's no fun. Other than that I was just a bit squeamish about the whole situation, but there was no pain to speak of. I have to go back next week for another shot of novacaine in the roof of my mouth (joy!) to start the crown. :(
Tomorrow is little Devan's last day of preschool. It went by soooo fast. I'm kind of sad, but also relieved. One less direction I'll be pulled in every day. I wanted to give the teacher and her helpers a nice card. So armed with my inspiration : A lovely asian fabric from reprodepot.com, I drew a couple illustrations in adobe illustrator and used one for the card and one for the front of the envelope, printed em, burned masters, and gocco'd til the cows came home.
I don't usually pat myself on the back, or even like most of the work I do, but I seriously love both designs sooo much. While I was drawing them, I really liked them in just black and white, and the negative space made such an impact, but I only had these 3.5x5" cards in a creamy beige color and I wasn't feeling black with that. So I went with two colors I'm really into right now - a dusty kind of robin's egg blue (doesn't translate well with my family room lighting, and a dusty coral/orangy/pinkish color (which also doesn't translate well). I'm really feeling the simplicity of the design on the envelope. I'd like to use it again for something else. I only needed 1 card for the preschool thing, but I couldn't justify wasting precious gocco supplies on just 1 card, so I made a bunch. I'm not sure if I'll keep them for myself or gift them or what I'll do. For now I'll just look at them and smile.
I know, I know. I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry.
Recently I asked my doctor to put me on a different anxiety/depression medication. I have taken Effexor XR for 2 years and it really changed my life in some good ways. Before I started it, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about killing myself, or hope I'd die in my sleep as I laid down for bed at night. I never realized that that wasn't normal because I'd felt that way for so long. I mean 4th or 5th grade long. My husband would always ask me what was wrong, and how he could help but there's not a feeling or an event or anything that could be pinpointed. It's chemical. There's nothing anyone can do.
Why would I choose to go off this miracle drug?? Well. While it's made me normal (not preoccupied with suicide, not crying every day, not having feelings of impending doom) it also made me very, very tired. Too tired to be as good of a mom as I can be, too tired to DO anything but the bare minimum. And I can't stand the idea that this life I'm living right now will haunt me forever, and make me feel guilty forever - that I wasn't involved enough, or outgoing enough for myself, my husband, and my little girl.
2 weeks ago, we (Dr & I) decided to taper Effexor and begin Wellbutrin. I have no idea if the Wellbutrin is helping or even doing ANYTHING because I FEEL SOOOOO COMPLETELY AWFUL from the Effexor withdrawal. I'd anticipated a rough patch. Just do a search on Effexor withdrawal and you'll find hundreds of horror stories. My personal horror story is that I have been suffering from vertigo since we tapered me down to 37.5 mg. and it's only gotten worse since stopping altogether. I've got this constant spinning in my head and it's really hard to drive, or work, or do anything other than lay down. ...which is the reason I wanted to go off the drug in the first place.
I'm also feeling very 'fragile' in that any little thing is setting me off, much like I was before I was medicated at all. Rage, Anger, Sadness, Crying, Worrying, Doom and Gloom... and this feeling like I'm just dangling, not doing anything, not having any sort of effect on anyone or anything. Feeling utterly insignificant to everything and everyone around me, and hopeless to make things better for myself. Logically I know this isn't so, but it's hard to think logically right now. Jon and I got into an argument this morning - or rather, I picked a fight with Jon for no reason, and all he could say was 'you're not yourself right now.' It's a real bummer to admit he's right (ever). I'm tempted to call the doctor and just go back on Effexor, but I really don't want to be so dependant on anything. And it can't really be good for you, if it's so difficult to quit taking it. EHH I don't know.
I am really angry at being prescribed such a strong drug as a first choice by my doctor. Effexor's got a very short half-life (has to do with the rate at which it is metabolized in the body), meaning you'll start feeling withdrawal effects if you miss even one dose. It's just such a serious drug. And while it makes me 'feel' better, I know it can't be good for me. I'm really not sure what to do.
I apologize for being so woe is me right now, but seriously, woe is me!
-(12-08) LIKING:
burritos, knitting for babies, dr. pepper, little potatoes, mitered squares, my bed, the ocean, travel, sleeping in my bed, Jonathan Safran Foer, tenament museums, linen, Air (the french band), Hugh Laurie, Intervention, babies, Iron & Wine, Clive Owen, letterpress, Yeats,
gray, mini-pigs, hotel chevalier, tea, pigs, Quebec, being anywhere but here (nj), modern simple quilts, autumn leaves, white on white, paper, lily snoring
