Well I made it through my HSG and it wasn't too terrible. Well, I lie. It was terrible as soon as it was over and remained that way until I woke up (late) this morning. Now I just feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen that I hope will go away soon! Anyways, everything's clear so hopefully I can have a freakin' baby. Jeez.
I don't really have much to talk about. I spent a LOT of time today looking at pictures of this week's HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK, Fabrizio Moretti.
and just for fun here's a pic I photoshopped (my pic was taken in photobooth so there was really no way to make it look authentic) but it's making me laugh alot!
Aren't we a lovely couple? Well I've got to go get ready to return my slushy machine (it broke) and take Devan to her Girl Scouts end of the year party. Later dudez.
My new bed was delivered last week and basically the bed and I are in love. That's not the reason I'm in bed right now though. We had an a/c service dude come out and look at our central air unit and it's pretty much shot and it costs a lot to replace it (and we just redid our whole room so we don't have any money.) Hopefully we can come up with a payment plan before I whither and die. So anyways, back to my tale of woe, this morning, after waking up drenched in sweat (lovely, I know) partly from the heat and partly due to 'hot flashes' from the fertility drugs I have to take, I decided to get in my car and sit for awhile with the a/c running. After that I put on some lip gloss and went to walmart and bought a couple fans. Then I went to Quick Chek and bought a gigantic icy (at 9am. I felt pathetic) Right now I've got one fan in front of me and one fan behind me and I'm still freaking miserable. Jon is taunting and teasing me from upstairs because he knows that I refuse to budge from this position (unless the new position involves air conditioning or cool water)It's going to be even hotter this week! What on earth am I going to do? Maybe I'll just go shopping all week until I'm forced by my parental duties to come home. Ugh.
So as I mentioned I'm on the fert. drugs again. Hopefully this time they'll work because this is the last time I can use them. Doing any more rounds of clomid increases uterine/ovarian cancer risks. If it doesn't work we're basically out of luck and probably will not have another baby. Injectible treatments and IVF cost alot, plus I'm not really interested in doing anything too invasive. Oh well enough of that.
Right now Devan is at her first EVER sleep-over. My friend Jenny had a party last night and Devan spent the night. She got to sleep in a/c. I'm jealous. I was up until 2 am, sweating and reading about the most unbelievable thing ever. A baby juggalo funeral. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain further - but let's just say my mind has been blown like 8 different times over the past 12 hrs.
Oh - my original reason for posting. I've been saving this HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK (which really isn't weekly, sorry) for a long time (8th or 9th grade long) but I came across this totally hot pic of him and felt compelled to add him to the list: PAUL RUDD
I didn't really like Paul Rudd in knocked up UNTIL the cirque de soleil scene/hotel room w/ all the chairs scene. Holy crap. That was hilarious. But I loved him in Clueless, The Shape of Things, Romeo & Juliet, etc. That's it for now - I have another dude in mind for next week (no it's not HUGH LAURIE, even though I don't know how I'm gonna live until the next season of House starts. *sigh*)
I went on a trip. To Tennessee. Rode a horse named Connecticut. I mined for gems. Played trivial pursuit and KICKED ASS. Got in a fight with my brother (don't mess with a bitch's beauty rest when she's on fertility meds, dang!) Played with the cutest baby in the world (peyton) and also made him giggle. Walked around and got smoothies with my brother and my sister-in-law. Hung out in a sweet cabin in the Smokey Mtns.
While I was in Tennessee I decided to get a new bed. I bought it tonight online.
I splurrrged and got KING SIZE! wooo! And a nice, memory foam (Developed by NASA) mattress to go with it. I'm so psyched to sleep! Even more than usual!
I'm going to try to carve out some time to paint my bedroom before the new bed arrives cuz I'm betting it's pretty heavy and I don't want to have to move it twice.
Today I had my very first HOUSE MD Sexy dream. Ahhh Hugh Laurie, my love, you've answered my prayers. PS DID I mention I got a new bed?
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly just 'fun' books that aren't going to make me any smarter. I reread my fave: A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, for the poopteenth time earlier this week. I very badly want to go to the lower east side tenament museum right now! I'm almost finished with We Were The Mulvaney's, which is depressing and makes me want to hit people. I also read a book I picked up at Wal-Mart, called Happiness Sold Seperately, and it kind of made me want to die. Lots of fertility issues, miscarriages, and infidelity. Fun. Next up is Water For Elephants, and I've still got Rhett Butler's People sitting on my shelf collecting dust.
I've not gotten much further on any of the socks I posted in my last entry. I finished my baby quilt though. I'm not thrilled with the binding so I'm not taking pictures of it!
I want to go to Ohio for the weekend. I wonder if I can pull it off. I keep changing my mind. It's such a long drive to only really spend 1 day there. Plus there's the issue of gas costing 1 billion dollars a gallon, and add that to the issue of us not really having any spending money, added to the issue of our vacation scheduled for the beginning of may and we've got quite a conundrum. It will work itself out in the wee hours of this morning. Hopefully I will not be bummed about whatever decision I come to!
Hey guys. I've been sorta avoiding blogging because I really don't have much of anything positive to say. The last few weeks have sucked for me. Losing Dee was very sad, and I'm also having such a terrible time getting over losing my baby. I cry alot, I can't focus on anything... I try to just sleep the day away just so I won't be alone that long. It's been hard. I know I was only pregnant for a few short weeks, but I think it's the fact that i wanted it so bad, and had been trying for so long, it was like a dream come true and I immediately was so happy and fulfilled and everything was going my way. I instantly was in love with the idea of being pregnant and having the baby and I made all these plans and had all these hopes and goals for this baby.... only to have it all fall to pieces.
It might sound dumb, but the only thing really helping me cope right now has been knitting and knitting and knitting my little hands off. I've finished several pairs of socks and started several more. It's compulsive but it helps. It's meditative. I don't need tv - because when i do watch, I find myself drawn to shows about babies and adoption and all of these things that I can't handle emotionally yet. Ugh. Well here's a mosaic I made of the socks I've been working on/finished lately:
Jon and I have kind of agreed that I should start seeing a therapist again, to help me get through this. I've become pretty anxious and worried about the idea of trying to conceive again. I'm really terrified of losing another pregnancy. I am hoping that with time and talk, I can get past this and want to try again:)
We lost a loved one early Sunday morning. We're very, very sad and shocked at how quickly this happened. I know I definitely held on to hope right to the very last moment, that this was just a temporary setback. I was wrong.
I've been looking through pictures, wanting very much to share them with people, but my scanner is broken and my past digital pictures are stored on various external hard drives that I don't have near me. Here's one of Aunt Dee holding Devan when she was 4 days old. It makes me so sad that she won't be able to hold another one of my babies.
Tomorrow I'll bake some muffins and take some jam over and sit with Jon's grandmother and maybe have some tea. I hope I can provide some sort of comfort and distraction from the sadness.
Things have been so sad lately. I'm hoping the clouds go away and the sun starts shining again very soon.
Devan didn't have school today so she did the following:
read 3 junie b books
filled out 3 different online surveys and put my phone number in there so I got all these people calling my cell phone asking for devan and I had to explain several times that devan is only 6 and is not yet interested in pocono vacations or college degrees.
taped cotton balls over her eyebrows so she'd have "old eyebrows"
made a fort out of girl scout cookie boxes
she also did our bio's (she pronounced it BEE-OH'S)
Jon/Dad:
My dad is omg he and lily are BFFs. he's crazy. well you know what i'm better than him at a easter egg hunt :)
secret fact: His tickle spot is in his left arm pit!!!
lil' mama:
my mom sometimes is nice. well she is alot. and she will not get me a ipod. :(
secret fact: she wants a french bulldog puppy
lily:
lily is a great dog. she scares me when i'm wild and she's a peanut butter maniack!!
secret fact: her fave coloer is purple!!!!
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the leftover you?
And how do you know when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
-(6-08) LIKING:
baking, sleeping, indian food, tenament museums, linen, Air (the french band), Hugh Laurie, Intervention, babies, Iron & Wine, Clive Owen, buttered toast & strawberry jam, letterpress, Yeats,
Robin's egg blue, Fabrizio Moretti, 30 Rock, hotel chevalier, biscuits & Polish jam, Paul Rudd, spring cleaning, tea, young Paul Newman, pigs, Quebec, Foreign Films, ginger ale, Rohinton Minstry, Montclair NJ,
modern simple quilts, sewing animals, summer, hating infertility, white on white, paper, stamps and ink
