Last month I had a scare. My neurologist insisted that it was a very strong possibility that I had a tumor in my brain. It took 2 weeks from the moment he wrote the words - "diagnosis: brain tumor" on a prescription pad to give to the MRI tech, until a Friday evening 2 weeks later, when I received the voicemail from my doctor that my scan was clear. I didn't quite process the news until the next day. I was getting prepared to take Devan to the library (with her brand new library card) and sort out my own library fees so I could reinstate my own library card that I sat down on the couch and just cried from the stress and the relief of it all. Because not everyone is so lucky. I know this. I have watched someone, not a close someone, but someone i interact with frequently on a messageboard go through the diagnosis and the removal of 90% of a brain tumor. I was, for two weeks, paralyzed with fear. It sounds dramatic, yes. But in my mind, all I could imagine was not being able to find words, form ideas, convey my feelings, my love for my girls and for Jon, without lots of time and therapy. If I were lucky. I cried for a long time, and lots of other fears and worries and negative feelings poured out of me and for a few hours I was bogged down in it all, and still wondering "why does my head feel like this all the time?"
Two weeks ago I found out why! I have a condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. It's also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri. It acts exactly the same way a brain tumor acts, putting pressure on your brain, triggering severe migraines, nausea, blurred vision, tinnitus, constant head pain etc.
I am on a medication to control the fluid levels in my brain right now, but if I miss a dose, which I'm likely to do, because I'm quite forgetful (and also very wary of swallowing pills) the pain comes back within a few hours. It's quite painful and I don't wish it on anyone, but I'd take it ANY day over a brain tumor. If this medicine doesn't start relieving the pain in a more permanent way (like, i still have blurred vision, especially early in the morning, and that's when my head hurts the most) I will probably require frequent lumbar punctures (spinal taps)to drain excess spinal fluid or have a shunt inserted - because even though this is not as serious as a brain tumor, it can cause permanent vision loss (read: blindness.) So it's no joke.
I have a few prescriptions for pain medications, but they really don't help unless I take them around the clock, pain or no pain, and I cannot stand the feeling of always floating around in a vicodin/percocet/ultram haze. It's not how I wish to live the rest of my life.
On to more pleasant news. Because of my medication - I can no longer drink SODA! My one addiction that I've battled since high school is carbonated beverages. Now, when I drink them, it tastes like ...well, when you eat something very spicy and your cheeks and tongue burn. not a good burn, a painful burn. So I've been drinking water and unsweetened cranberry juice. Now's as good a time as any to try to become healthier. Perhaps losing a chunk of the excess weight I'm carrying around will help lessen the symptoms of the IIH. That might be wishful thinking though.
As far as the rest of my life: My greatest joys lately are coming from my library time with Devan, since it's just she and I spending time looking at books (both of us are mad about reading, so this is a great thing to share. we've been going every saturday afternoon and I feel HIGH from the happiness of spending one on one time with her.)
Watching Wrenna's personality develop, seeing her become a little person, instead of this inert baby. She's not quite crawling yet, but she gets around and gets into things (today she spilled a box of industrial staples all over the floor) and I absolutely love to curl up with her in my arms and take a little nap. She makes these little tired noises until she nuzzles close to my face and fall asleep. It's absolutely the best thing I can think of. She's almost 10 months old - it's a double edged sword. I love watching her grow, but I am also like "what the hell? where did the time go?" and it terrifies me to think this might be my last baby, and it's almost over already.
Another simple pleasure is falling asleep with my head on Jon's chest, listening to him breathe. He made a promise to do ACTIVITIES with me in counseling and he seems to be really trying to keep that promise. Next week we're going to a Gogol Bordello show @ the Filmore (it's a Haiti benefit, so I'm not all bent out of shape that the tickets are pricey) and in April we're going to a taping of the Colbert Report (we've gone a few times and it's just a fun thing to do. On May 1st we're going to a Devotchka/Gogol show in Philly. He didn't have to do any of these things, isn't a Gogol or Devotchka fan, but he WANTS to, and that's the most important thing, to me.
I've been doing quite a bit of reading lately. I can't remember them all, but I read Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood last week. I reread a Wrinkle In Time this week and I'm reading When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. I've started Moonlight In Odessa (sucker for stories about Ukraine) and The Kindly Ones. I started the Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood last night, but it's due back on Saturday and I don't think I've got time to finish it. Not sure if I'll renew it. I have also finished The Weight of Silence (I wasn't super into this, but I loved the author's descriptions of the environment..if that makes sense.)
I've still got to finish the books I've started, plus I also bought Normal People Don't Live Like This (short stories) and Little Bee. I'm interested in picking up The Help, Brooklyn, Tender Morsels and What is the What. (sorry, I'm too tired to look up authors names.)
Yesterday was a fast day. Devan was only at school until 1:15, due to week-long parent teacher conferences. I wasn't feeling good all morning, so I took a nap with Wren. I felt good enough after my shower that when I picked Devan up at the bus stop, I decided to take them both shopping.
First we needed gas and I needed coffee. Oh Quick Chek, if your coffee weren't so good I'd never be able to forgive your rude employees. I'm always so torn when I find myself walking through your doors.
After coffee, tacos were necessary. Devan was hungry and I may or may not have forgotten to pack her something to eat, causing her to be the only child without something to eat at snack time. So we ate tacos (tacos and immodium for me, thanks) for lunch and headed over to Trader Joes, where I picked up PUMPKIN BUTTER and also GINGERBREAD COFFEE.
After TJ's we went to Borders, so I could feed Wrenna and Devan could nag me into buying her a book. I bought myself 2 books that I have been picking up and putting back down for a few weeks now:
Oh, those candies there, I STOLE THEM. I stuck them in the baby's stroller, meaning to buy them, but I completely forgot and didn't realize til much much later the horrible crime I'd committed. I find myself stealing lots of things lately. A package of batteries here, ibuprofen there. you know, anything that falls between the side of the shopping cart and the diaper bag. If you're expecting that I'd see what I'd done and rush back into the store to pay for said items, you're nuts. I usually discover the pilfered items after I've fastened Wrenna securely in her seat and started my car. THERE IS NO GOING BACK AT THAT POINT.
After looting Borders, I took the girls to Target, where I purchased a really awful pair of boots for myself, and an even more awful pair of boots for Devan (why are these Ugg type boots popular again??) And I got Wrenna a BUMBO CHAIR.
After this I made dinner, wound yarn into a ball, knitted and watched House, and then I finally GROOMED MY EYEBROWS (it's really annoying when you cut your bangs and remember that you haven't messed with your eyebrows in MONTHS) and then I took a shower and remembered the meteor shower. I went outside in shorts and bare feet and shivered for 45 minutes. I saw one really bright meteor and 3 little guys. It was exciting. I felt very lonely and quiet and small while i stood on my deck, which was unsettling. My stomach kept growling, so I went inside and made myself a pbj sandwich and then I went to bed.
That was my Monday. Now I need to lay down until it's time to take Devan to the bus because I only got 2 hours of sleep.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly just 'fun' books that aren't going to make me any smarter. I reread my fave: A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, for the poopteenth time earlier this week. I very badly want to go to the lower east side tenament museum right now! I'm almost finished with We Were The Mulvaney's, which is depressing and makes me want to hit people. I also read a book I picked up at Wal-Mart, called Happiness Sold Seperately, and it kind of made me want to die. Lots of fertility issues, miscarriages, and infidelity. Fun. Next up is Water For Elephants, and I've still got Rhett Butler's People sitting on my shelf collecting dust.
I've not gotten much further on any of the socks I posted in my last entry. I finished my baby quilt though. I'm not thrilled with the binding so I'm not taking pictures of it!
I want to go to Ohio for the weekend. I wonder if I can pull it off. I keep changing my mind. It's such a long drive to only really spend 1 day there. Plus there's the issue of gas costing 1 billion dollars a gallon, and add that to the issue of us not really having any spending money, added to the issue of our vacation scheduled for the beginning of may and we've got quite a conundrum. It will work itself out in the wee hours of this morning. Hopefully I will not be bummed about whatever decision I come to!
I have finished sorting/folding/hanging up clothes in the bedroom and now it's time to start sorting/shelving my supplies in my cute little studio space.
The branches of the tree are dry now, so I can put the lights on tonight.
Tomorrow I am taking Gockey holiday shopping, and then Devan has Brownies. I have to still iron all of her patches onto her vest before the meeting.
Hopefully I'll find some time to put the decorations on the tree. The goal is to be ALL done with decorating before we go away on Saturday.
I also wanted to take a minute to recommend a book to everyone in the world. It's called The Diving Bell And The Butterfly. It's a memoir by Jean-Dominique Bauby. I saw a preview for the movie they made of this when we went to see No Country For Old Men (which was pretty dang great) and it looks spectacular, but I am a fan of reading the book before seeing the movie in most cases.
(from Amazon.com) Liz Dunn isn't morbid, she's just a lonely woman with a very pragmatic outlook on life. Overweight, underemployed, and living in a nondescript condo with nothing but chocolate pudding in the fridge, she has pretty much given up on anything interesting ever happening to her. Everything changes when she gets an unexpected phone call from a Vancouver hospital and a stranger takes on a very intimate place in her life. From here the plot of Douglas Coupland's Eleanor Rigby skyrockets into a very bizarre world, rife with reverse sing-alongs and apocalyptic visions of frantic farmers. The style and plot paths are very identifiably Coupland--slightly mystical, off-kilter, and very, very smart. Ultimately a novel about the burden of loneliness, Eleanor Rigby takes its characters through strange and sometimes nearly unimaginable predicaments.
This book was entertaining and a quick read. I guess I recommend it. I kind of suck at this 'review' thing.
(from Amazon.com) Coming of age is a shock to almost anyone's system but imagine being like Kelley's character Judith Pippinger: spirited, creative, strong, yet facing nothing more fulfilling in life than the poverty and deprivation of a rural life. As with any lifetime, the human spirit provides moments of beauty, laughter and power-reserves upon which Judith must depend to survive a failing marriage, a disastrous love affair and the impending death of one of her daughters.
This book was so good. I read it in one day. I loved it. I love gritty, salt of the earth stories. Excellent.
(from Amazon.com) The story follows 100 years in the life of Macondo, a village founded by José Arcadio Buendía and occupied by descendants all sporting variations on their progenitor's name: his sons, José Arcadio and Aureliano, and grandsons, Aureliano José, Aureliano Segundo, and José Arcadio Segundo. Then there are the women--the two Úrsulas, a handful of Remedios, Fernanda, and Pilar--who struggle to remain grounded even as their menfolk build castles in the air. If it is possible for a novel to be highly comic and deeply tragic at the same time, then One Hundred Years of Solitude does the trick. Civil war rages throughout, hearts break, dreams shatter, and lives are lost, yet the effect is literary pentimento, with sorrow's outlines bleeding through the vibrant colors of García Márquez's magical realism. Consider, for example, the ghost of Prudencio Aguilar, whom José Arcadio Buendía has killed in a fight. So lonely is the man's shade that it haunts Buendía's house, searching anxiously for water with which to clean its wound. Buendía's wife, Úrsula, is so moved that "the next time she saw the dead man uncovering the pots on the stove she understood what he was looking for, and from then on she placed water jugs all about the house.
(from Amazon.com) Prep is the story of Lee Fiora, a South Bend, Indiana, teenager who wins a scholarship to the prestigious Ault school, an East Coast institution where "money was everywhere on campus, but it was usually invisible." As we follow Lee through boarding school, we witness firsthand the triumphs and tragedies that shape our heroine's coming-of-age. Yet while Sittenfeld may be a skilled storyteller, her real gift lies in her ability to expertly give voice to what is often described as the most alienating period in a young person's life: high school.
Ok, it was a mediocre story. Comparing this to JD Salinger makes me want to vomit, though. Just sayin'.
(from Amazon.com) Cavalry officer Slavomir Rawicz was captured by the Red Army in 1939 during the German-Soviet partition of Poland and was sent to the Siberian Gulag along with other captive Poles, Finns, Ukranians, Czechs, Greeks, and even a few English, French, and American unfortunates who had been caught up in the fighting. A year later, he and six comrades from various countries escaped from a labor camp in Yakutsk and made their way, on foot, thousands of miles south to British India, where Rawicz reenlisted in the Polish army and fought against the Germans. The Long Walk recounts that adventure, which is surely one of the most curious treks in history.
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Also, read this with a hankie or a tissue.
(From the New Yorker) Dr. Amin Jaafari, an Israeli Arab, seems fully assimilated into Tel Aviv society, with a loving wife, a successful career as a surgeon, and numerous Jewish friends. But after a restaurant bombing kills nineteen people, and it becomes apparent that his wife was the bomber, he plunges into the world of Islamic extremism, trying to understand how he missed signs of her intentions.
This book was really good. I didn't want it to end. Another page turner.
(from Amazon.com) The Kite Runner follows the story of Amir, the privileged son of a wealthy businessman in Kabul, and Hassan, the son of Amir's father's servant. As children in the relatively stable Afghanistan of the early 1970s, the boys are inseparable. They spend idyllic days running kites and telling stories of mystical places and powerful warriors until an unspeakable event changes the nature of their relationship forever, and eventually cements their bond in ways neither boy could have ever predicted. Even after Amir and his father flee to America, Amir remains haunted by his cowardly actions and disloyalty. In part, it is these demons and the sometimes impossible quest for forgiveness that bring him back to his war-torn native land after it comes under Taliban rule.
I thought this book was wonderful. I cannot wait to pick up A Thousand Splendid Suns by the same author.
Tonight, after meeting Jon and his friend Kevin for dinner, I picked up another book that I'm super excited about. Amy Karol's (angry chicken) book Bend the Rules Sewing I just had to have it after taking a peek over at the flickr page devoted the projects from the book. Click here to see all the great stuff.
At some point I'll be back to show you my own sewing projects: a quilt and 3 sundresses for Devan. I've also got a knitting project to show off: I'll give you a hint, it starts with "socka" and ends with "palooza" but right now I'm tired. So tired. And no, I don't work for amazon.com, it's just a handy site to get info on books.
