I just turned on the O'Reilly Factor (I don't know why.) Laura Ingraham is on. She's really obnoxious, complaining about Luda. Bitch please.. Even her voice is annoying. I want to hit her in the face really bad.
Ohio Friends - I'm coming to you this weekend. I'm going to see Gogol Bordello Sat. night at House of Blues in Cleveland, and after that I'll be hangin' round my parents house. So let's get together people! There are only 3 things I'm certain of during my trip: 1. I am going to eat the shit out of a Marie's (in Wadsworth) salad. 2. I'm going to eat heartily at Wild Ginger. 3. I'm going to dance my pants off at the Gogol Bordello show and attempt to touch the hutz's weiner. help me figure out what else to do.
Today I went to Best Buy and had a new car stereo installed. Now I can listen to all of my music from my ipod without making cds and I'm psyched! Unfortunately, when I opened the door to the installation bay to pay for the work they did, the door (which was super heavy) shut on Devan's heel. She has a humongous gash on the back of her foot now, and a really thick flap of skin is hanging off. I was so annoyed that the guy at best buy was completely unphased (devan's foot was bleeding all over the floor and her shoe) and i had to ask the guy to give me a paper towel, he was like completely disinterested and I was getting really annoyed. Whatever, anyways I'm worried that she's gonna have a hard time wearing her riding boots tomorrow :( Tomorrow is her last day at camp, and hopefully I can catch her riding her horse and get some nice pix.
Well I made it through my HSG and it wasn't too terrible. Well, I lie. It was terrible as soon as it was over and remained that way until I woke up (late) this morning. Now I just feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen that I hope will go away soon! Anyways, everything's clear so hopefully I can have a freakin' baby. Jeez.
I don't really have much to talk about. I spent a LOT of time today looking at pictures of this week's HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK, Fabrizio Moretti.
and just for fun here's a pic I photoshopped (my pic was taken in photobooth so there was really no way to make it look authentic) but it's making me laugh alot!
Aren't we a lovely couple? Well I've got to go get ready to return my slushy machine (it broke) and take Devan to her Girl Scouts end of the year party. Later dudez.
My new bed was delivered last week and basically the bed and I are in love. That's not the reason I'm in bed right now though. We had an a/c service dude come out and look at our central air unit and it's pretty much shot and it costs a lot to replace it (and we just redid our whole room so we don't have any money.) Hopefully we can come up with a payment plan before I whither and die. So anyways, back to my tale of woe, this morning, after waking up drenched in sweat (lovely, I know) partly from the heat and partly due to 'hot flashes' from the fertility drugs I have to take, I decided to get in my car and sit for awhile with the a/c running. After that I put on some lip gloss and went to walmart and bought a couple fans. Then I went to Quick Chek and bought a gigantic icy (at 9am. I felt pathetic) Right now I've got one fan in front of me and one fan behind me and I'm still freaking miserable. Jon is taunting and teasing me from upstairs because he knows that I refuse to budge from this position (unless the new position involves air conditioning or cool water)It's going to be even hotter this week! What on earth am I going to do? Maybe I'll just go shopping all week until I'm forced by my parental duties to come home. Ugh.
So as I mentioned I'm on the fert. drugs again. Hopefully this time they'll work because this is the last time I can use them. Doing any more rounds of clomid increases uterine/ovarian cancer risks. If it doesn't work we're basically out of luck and probably will not have another baby. Injectible treatments and IVF cost alot, plus I'm not really interested in doing anything too invasive. Oh well enough of that.
Right now Devan is at her first EVER sleep-over. My friend Jenny had a party last night and Devan spent the night. She got to sleep in a/c. I'm jealous. I was up until 2 am, sweating and reading about the most unbelievable thing ever. A baby juggalo funeral. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain further - but let's just say my mind has been blown like 8 different times over the past 12 hrs.
Oh - my original reason for posting. I've been saving this HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK (which really isn't weekly, sorry) for a long time (8th or 9th grade long) but I came across this totally hot pic of him and felt compelled to add him to the list: PAUL RUDD
I didn't really like Paul Rudd in knocked up UNTIL the cirque de soleil scene/hotel room w/ all the chairs scene. Holy crap. That was hilarious. But I loved him in Clueless, The Shape of Things, Romeo & Juliet, etc. That's it for now - I have another dude in mind for next week (no it's not HUGH LAURIE, even though I don't know how I'm gonna live until the next season of House starts. *sigh*)
Hey guys. I've been sorta avoiding blogging because I really don't have much of anything positive to say. The last few weeks have sucked for me. Losing Dee was very sad, and I'm also having such a terrible time getting over losing my baby. I cry alot, I can't focus on anything... I try to just sleep the day away just so I won't be alone that long. It's been hard. I know I was only pregnant for a few short weeks, but I think it's the fact that i wanted it so bad, and had been trying for so long, it was like a dream come true and I immediately was so happy and fulfilled and everything was going my way. I instantly was in love with the idea of being pregnant and having the baby and I made all these plans and had all these hopes and goals for this baby.... only to have it all fall to pieces.
It might sound dumb, but the only thing really helping me cope right now has been knitting and knitting and knitting my little hands off. I've finished several pairs of socks and started several more. It's compulsive but it helps. It's meditative. I don't need tv - because when i do watch, I find myself drawn to shows about babies and adoption and all of these things that I can't handle emotionally yet. Ugh. Well here's a mosaic I made of the socks I've been working on/finished lately:
Jon and I have kind of agreed that I should start seeing a therapist again, to help me get through this. I've become pretty anxious and worried about the idea of trying to conceive again. I'm really terrified of losing another pregnancy. I am hoping that with time and talk, I can get past this and want to try again:)
Devan didn't have school today so she did the following:
read 3 junie b books
filled out 3 different online surveys and put my phone number in there so I got all these people calling my cell phone asking for devan and I had to explain several times that devan is only 6 and is not yet interested in pocono vacations or college degrees.
taped cotton balls over her eyebrows so she'd have "old eyebrows"
made a fort out of girl scout cookie boxes
she also did our bio's (she pronounced it BEE-OH'S)
Jon/Dad:
My dad is omg he and lily are BFFs. he's crazy. well you know what i'm better than him at a easter egg hunt :)
secret fact: His tickle spot is in his left arm pit!!!
lil' mama:
my mom sometimes is nice. well she is alot. and she will not get me a ipod. :(
secret fact: she wants a french bulldog puppy
lily:
lily is a great dog. she scares me when i'm wild and she's a peanut butter maniack!!
secret fact: her fave coloer is purple!!!!
Could I stop having this stupid cough? It's really bad and vaporub and mucinex are not helping. I don't want to go to the doctor because I just took Devan and she had tests done and supposedly it's not a big deal. Either way both of us are hacking our lungs up all day long.
We had a nasty snow storm thing around here. Devan didn't have school today and our cable/internet was off ALL DAY. BOO! I didn't really care because I'm preoccupied with babymaking, but Devan was pretty irritated.
Back to the subject of babymaking - I'm already tired of this process. Not the "babymaking" but the waiting and the not knowing and the side effects of the different fertility meds. I'm not looking forward to negative preg tests, I will tell you that right now. I can barely stand the thought of this not working. I really need to get over it though, because I honestly don't FEEL like the meds worked this time. OPK's I've taken have yet to show any signs of anything working.
If you don't mind, keep us in your thoughts. We do want this very badly.
Thing a week sounds more reasonable at this point. I've been too sick from the meds to do any heavy duty...anything, so, yea that's where I'm at. I've been knitting a sweater but no one wants to see that.
I'm having a hard time with the whole "blogging" thing right now, so bear with me (if anyone's left to bear with me.)
I've got 2 things to talk about right now. 1. Jon and I have started a new fertility treatment and hopefully we will see results (i.e. a baby) very soon!
2. I've decided to sign up for this:
Hopefully thing-a-day will help me to not obsess over the baby-makin' and will also help me feel more creative, and you know, like I'm doing something with my time.
Oh yea, one more thing. Remember how I mentioned going back to school? Well it wasn't gonna work out this semester, for several reasons. Also, the only classes I even cared about were CANCELLED! Wtf? Ok that's it for today.
She's got what dentists call "shark teeth" meaning that her permanent teeth are growing in behind her baby teeth. I was concerned for some time about when the little guys were gonna finally fall out.
Since Dev was so sick on Saturday, and Jon was out of town (boo) we decided to postpone having the tooth fairy visit until Sunday night. At the last minute Sunday night, I got the idea to sew her a little tooth pillow that she could stick her teeth in, and put on her night stand (for easy money/tooth exchanging) So we turned on episode 3 of Tin Man and I got to work sewing the little tooth pillow:
I'd planned on embroidering a little face on the pillow but I actually like it better just the way it is. Unfortunately it's made of acrylic felt which makes me want to barf when I touch it. I only had cream colored wool felt and I thought that would make for a pretty gross looking tooth.
I think the tooth turned out so cute that I want to make more little felt things (but out of wool, not acrylic, gag!) We'll see if I can set aside some time for sewing. haha
instead of having a ball up at Mohonk, I'm sitting here, cozy in my family room. devan's come down with some sort of illness. she's got a high fever and was vomiting throughout the night last night. while she's feeling better than she was, she wanted her mommy and i couldn't argue with that.
jon's gone to the hotel alone, but feels terrible about it. i keep reassuring him that it's ok, and to have fun for both of us, but he feels guilty and sad. oh well, in the morning it will be over!
cross your fingers that devan makes a speedy recovery!
1. If I don't get pregnant soon, I'm going to go insane.
2. Devan's a 1st grader now. She felt sick on her first day, because she was soooo nervous. Here's a pic (one of many that turned out weird due to the weird, distressed looks she kept giving me)Click for a few more 1st day photos.
3. I finally saw knocked up. My opinions on the movie are mixed. See #1 for one reason why.
4. I'm knitting something adorable. I'll show you soon.
5. I love the newest photo & print project, A New Emptiness, from port2port press. I feel soooo many different things when I look at the photos.
That's it for now. I'll catch up with ya next week.
That's what we've been doing around here. Honestly though, I've been pretty busy. I'm working on a quilt, I made Devan 3 dresses, there has been knitting, and I've read several books. I'll talk about all of that next week. Until then here are a couple pictures:
Devan's just finished her last day of kindergarten. I'm brainstorming all of the fun and exciting things we can do this summer (besides wii.) There will be visits to the playground, bike riding at the park, reading out loud (teacher said so!) and many other fun things. I'm also trying to remember if Dev has a camera? If not, I'll pick up a few disposable ones for her or maybe she can borrow the junky old digital camera we have, so she can take lots of pictures this summer.
That should be fun! I need to make a real list of things we can do. I had considered letterboxing with her, but we may not get around to something so involved.
Cupcakes & goodie bags were given to her class! Check out these cupcakes, I got the idea from Hop Skip Jump:
I've been very nostalgic for my little baby Devan lately, as well as having an extreme case of baby fever (which I'll be starting treatment for next week.) Look at how little Dev used to be:
Her party is tomorrow. I can't wait to steal her Wii from her!
Devan's off to school in a cute sun dress and sandals, and I'm off to take a nap in my room.
Before Devan was born, I'd come home from my check-ups (I had them every week, sometimes twice a week due to some complications of the pregnancy) drink a tall glass of ice water, open the windows, and turn on the fan in my bedroom and take a nap.
This is my favorite time of year. I feel nostalgic for that time(wow it's been almost 6 years!) All the hope and excitement and nervousness and uncertainty about the baby! Laying down felt so good on my tired body. I loved the breeze blowing on me while I lay there, waiting for Jon to come home from work.
I might be too excited about this nap to actually fall asleep - but I'll have fun trying!
After promising Devan several times that I'd take her to get a haircut, she finally decided to take matters into her own hands, and snipped off a rather large chunk of her hair with a pair of my decorative edging scissors. So today we went to the salon to see what we could do about disguising the huge chunk of hair that fell chin-length (the rest of her hair is down to the small of her back) or cut her hair if we had to.
We decided to go ahead and cut off 11" of hair and donate the ponytail to Locks Of Love. I can't even look at the site without getting all teary eyed, so I'm happy with our decision and so is Devan. Here are some photos!
This morning I got up early (because Jon walks around like a dinosaur upstairs) at 6:30. I opened the windows, poured some orange juice and made myself some toast with butter and jam and listened to the birds and the wind blowing and the trees creaking and moaning outside. After awhile Devan came out and sat with me and talked to the birds (cuz she speaks animal she said.)
I'm really glad I got the opportunity to enjoy that good bit of weather, since it looks like we're going to be snowed in tomorrow. Jon's supposed to work late in the city and that's when most of the snow is coming so I am going to protest when I see him (he's on his way home from a Nets game.) I'm also supposed to hang with Pat tomorrow.
I made cookies today for Dev -- she's having some issues with a stinkin' 5 yr old bully who's mom would rather say 'oh he's just being very silly' instead of just telling him to stop it, and maybe teach him a couple social skills. ...and I made a delicious pot roast in my crockpot with a mushroom sauce because I love mushrooms, and masha potatoes and other stuff blah blah blah nothing else to say.
in which all of my weekend aspirations were sucked.
What did I do Saturday?
I writhed around in agony in my bed from noon until 6pm. Then I got up for about an hour, and found myself needing to lay back down again until 4am. Now I'm awake but the sickness is creeping back. I have no idea what this is, but it's ruining my weekend plans and I'm pissed.
It started at 3am, Saturday morning when Devan woke up throwing up, and I took care of her until 11:30am, when it suddenly hit me.
We're supposed to go to a birthday party today. I don't know if I can. This sucks.
2 months ago I would not have thought I'd be saying this. I am back in my element and I'm loving every boring, impoverish, non-social moment of it. Thank you njjn! Now, if only my unemployment claim hadn't been denied!
Tomorrow I'll be going to Ikea Paramus or Elizabeth - whichever has the stuff I need - to set up my studio so that I may bind, press, sew, knit, design easily and efficiently. want to see my inspiration? click here.
This morning I cradled Devan and stroked her hair for an hour on the couch upstairs. She wasn't feeling well. I thought I'd have to take the day off and stay with her, because she didn't want to leave the house unless she felt well enough to go to school, but suddenly she felt completely better. And I felt sad. Sad that she didn't need me and sad that I wasn't eager to stay at home with her. Sad that this is such an internal struggle.
I wish I could go back in time to 3 years ago and just savor the mornings we spent together. I wish that I knew then, what I know now. That these moments are to be remembered. We weren't killing time. We were living and making memories that I rely on to get me through every day away from her.
I don't think I was meant for this 9-5 ratrace kind of life. I don't do well under 'stress' because I have a hard time even understanding why it's important to get worked up over work related things. Even now that I've quit one job, I still find that there's not enough time to even work up a moment that I can savor. It's hustling and bustling, out the door, late to this, forgetting that. By the time the weekend arrives, I'm not even happy to be at home because there's too much work to do and I find myself unable to relax, or get creative.
I hate this powerless feeling of wishing life would just SLOW DOWN.
Devan got pink eye! I had to miss my first Tuesday (hectic print day, so I'm told) at my new job. Kind of a bummer (that I'm sure I'll be pleased about, once I've experienced a Tuesday.
Working both jobs does take a toll on me. I'm so tired today. Even Jon's "mean cup-o-joe" didn't help. My eyes are just itching to close (or maybe I'm getting the pink eye)
I'm seriously too tired to think about telling ya'll anything else.
First of all. I think I want a haircut like Heidi's!
What do you think??
Today I went to the Yarn Loft and got some of that newish Debbie Bliss Pure Silk yarn. Totally awesome, luxurious stuff. I am knitting this hat for someone special. I wanted it to be really soft and feminine, and Pure Silk has this great luster to it, and it's well, silky soft.
Here's a glimpse of some of the projects I've been working on lately:
The wisteria colored fabric is the lace edged hat that I talked about before, The gray mass of stockinette is Jon's Avast sweater sleeve (number 2 - I've been mindlessly knitting them while I watch Grey's Anatomy. I like it when my knitting coordinates with my tv shows. I'm knitting Avast in Cascade 220, charcoal - cuz I don't really like Plymouth Galway)The creamy colored thing is a really sooooft alpaca scarf in a simple seed stitch. It's for me. I started knitting it while watching House on DVD. I'm about 3.5 feet into it. I'm knitting it out of Plymouth Baby Grande Alpaca (100% alpaca and totally soft) in color 100.
In other news, my kid is adorable:
She's in karate. She was too sick to go today, so she'll have 2 lessons this week. As soon as she puts that uniform on she's all business. Karate is serious, people.
But today, she's under the weather. She spent 2 days home from school with me pretty much doing this the whole time:
And one more thing guys. Is it just me, or are He-Man & She-Ra both incredibly homoerotic, when you rewatch them as an adult?
I was gone. I forgot to renew my domain registration.... oops! But then I thought "eh, who needs it?" so I considered killin the blog for once and for all. But then I decided against it and now I'm back.
Also: 1. Dev started KINDERGARTEN on Thursday!! Yay!
2. I just worked my first part-time shift at work and I'm psyched about only working 5 hrs a day! yay!
3.Jon's going to Chicago on Wed. and I'm gonna be lonesome for 2 days.
That's all for now! Check out my flickr photos for pics of Dev's first day of school.
The day began beautifully, cuddling in bed, feeling very much in love with my Jonathan. But by the time 7am rolled around, I hadn't slept a wink and felt poopier than poop, and picked a fight with him. Of course after that I couldn't sleep so I was awake, messing around in the house all morning. I took a shower, and laid down next to Devan, who was being her cute little self, playing my Nintendo DS in my bed.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Devan was crying and yelling at me to get up, telling me 'you know what momma, I don't NEED YOU anymore!' and proceeded to make me feel like the worst mom on the planet ..and I don't even know what I did, aside from falling asleep after suggesting that we go swimming.
I got scolded at work because it completely slipped my mind to help my dept. catch up on ads for an upcoming special feature. I've been sleeping so poorly lately, that i'm having trouble remembering things, even though I am constantly making myself 'to do' lists. I also had to kind of help interview/ introduce my job to someone who might get hired to replace me at work and being as tired as I am, I just could not think of anything to say and I basically just stammered and had to apologize and just tell my boss and the girl that I was just very, very tired today. Uhhh embarrassing and awkward!
I can't remember if anything else bad happened, but I think the worst part was making Devan so upset. She doesn't, of course, understand how sensitive I am about this whole parenting thing, and being away from her so much but man,that was like a knife right in my heart :(
Ah well, I'm gonna drink my delicious lemon/pear Peels, cuddle with my man (and my very persistent doggie) and try to get to sleep.
It's that time of year again! Pre-birthday blitz. Saturday we went to NYC, more specifically, Soho. I went to have a peek at Purl Patchwork and I was NOT disappointed. Teensy Weensiest little store ever, but packed full of great fabrics. Of course I also stopped at Purl. Check out my loot:
Well Devan wants me to watch 'Nanny McFeet' with her, so i'm gonna go do that... and by do that I mean that I'll try to look like I'm watching it while I snooze (I woke up way too early today.)
Today while I was putting on my deodorant, I started coughing, which led to choking, which led to (dun dun dunnn!) throwing up. Unexpected!
Then at work at around 8, Jon text messaged me to tell me he'd just 'worshipped the porcelain God'.
As I was finishing off my ice cream, tippy-typing my last blog entry, I heard my dog making some funny, squeaky noises. You guessed it. Barfff.
And last, but certainly not least, It was 4:30 am, I was just settling down, noticing that my ear is rather clogged and hurting quite a bit, I heard some thumping upstairs and that word that, at this time of night, makes my hair stand on end... that makes me quiver with fear, that wakes me from a peaceful slumber (tonight being the exception)... you know that word, "Mommy!"
I yelled to her 'what's the matter?' and of course her answer was "i just frowed up." Upon further examination, the frowing up started in bed, continued across the room, into the hall, through the bathroom, where it ended on the toilet seat. That's not counting what I washed off her hands, face, and hair. Hey, at least she tried. If only Lily would follow her example.
And now here I am, at 5:30 in the morning, alert as ever. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I really wanted to be in bed, asleep by 4am. I wanted to have a nice, awake afternoon tomorrow. But now I've got myself some juice and grabbed my book to start reading. I'm hoping I start feeling sleepy again sometime soon or this day doesn't even have a chance.
So yea, it's summertime and of course I'm stuck, sick, in the house (more specifically, in bed) with a cold. A baaaad one. Yesterday Devan and I went to a birthday party for one of her pre-school classmates. At the very end of the party it started to downpour and we were stuck under a pavilion, waiting for it to let up. Dev had tons of fun though, and I managed to not die. So I guess all in all, it was a good day.
I'm making a delicious dinner right now. Roasted Chicken, Red Skinned Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans... perhaps stuffing. haha. unfortunately it's going to be a late dinner since i inadvertently turned the oven off when I put the chicken in.
I've also made a discision!! I'm going to unravel the entire hourglass sweater and forget about it forever -- or at least until I can track down a couple more skeins of brown cash iroha.
Today I got my first ever ROOT CANAL. UGH. Shot to the roof of the mouth- don't believe the hype, it's no fun. Other than that I was just a bit squeamish about the whole situation, but there was no pain to speak of. I have to go back next week for another shot of novacaine in the roof of my mouth (joy!) to start the crown. :(
Tomorrow is little Devan's last day of preschool. It went by soooo fast. I'm kind of sad, but also relieved. One less direction I'll be pulled in every day. I wanted to give the teacher and her helpers a nice card. So armed with my inspiration : A lovely asian fabric from reprodepot.com, I drew a couple illustrations in adobe illustrator and used one for the card and one for the front of the envelope, printed em, burned masters, and gocco'd til the cows came home.
I don't usually pat myself on the back, or even like most of the work I do, but I seriously love both designs sooo much. While I was drawing them, I really liked them in just black and white, and the negative space made such an impact, but I only had these 3.5x5" cards in a creamy beige color and I wasn't feeling black with that. So I went with two colors I'm really into right now - a dusty kind of robin's egg blue (doesn't translate well with my family room lighting, and a dusty coral/orangy/pinkish color (which also doesn't translate well). I'm really feeling the simplicity of the design on the envelope. I'd like to use it again for something else. I only needed 1 card for the preschool thing, but I couldn't justify wasting precious gocco supplies on just 1 card, so I made a bunch. I'm not sure if I'll keep them for myself or gift them or what I'll do. For now I'll just look at them and smile.
That song "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt.... yea. It makes me want to stab myself in the heart.
Also I hung out with my pal Jessie tonight. She stopped in to show me some stuff. We had fun and talked about UTI's (cuz i have one) and boners and design and how hot one of the sports dudes is.
I just found a little drawing that Devan made of "a dragon" (looks like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, but who cares) which was inspired by back to back viewings of Spirited Away, which was broadcast on the Cartoon Network this weekend. Awesome awesome movie. I especially love where the big baby is like "if you don't play with me I'm gonna break your arm" cuz it's totally creepy.
My daughter certainly is competitive. Tonight I went to walmart with fingers and toes crossed, hoping to snag a copy of Animal Crossing for the DS - basically my only mission in life these days. There were none in stock, so I ran around, picking up necessities for the trip tomorrow. Graham cracker sticks, Windshield wiper fluid, chewing gum, and I also picked up Memory (the card game where you try to make matches) for Devan.
