Last month I had a scare. My neurologist insisted that it was a very strong possibility that I had a tumor in my brain. It took 2 weeks from the moment he wrote the words - "diagnosis: brain tumor" on a prescription pad to give to the MRI tech, until a Friday evening 2 weeks later, when I received the voicemail from my doctor that my scan was clear. I didn't quite process the news until the next day. I was getting prepared to take Devan to the library (with her brand new library card) and sort out my own library fees so I could reinstate my own library card that I sat down on the couch and just cried from the stress and the relief of it all. Because not everyone is so lucky. I know this. I have watched someone, not a close someone, but someone i interact with frequently on a messageboard go through the diagnosis and the removal of 90% of a brain tumor. I was, for two weeks, paralyzed with fear. It sounds dramatic, yes. But in my mind, all I could imagine was not being able to find words, form ideas, convey my feelings, my love for my girls and for Jon, without lots of time and therapy. If I were lucky. I cried for a long time, and lots of other fears and worries and negative feelings poured out of me and for a few hours I was bogged down in it all, and still wondering "why does my head feel like this all the time?"
Two weeks ago I found out why! I have a condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. It's also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri. It acts exactly the same way a brain tumor acts, putting pressure on your brain, triggering severe migraines, nausea, blurred vision, tinnitus, constant head pain etc.
I am on a medication to control the fluid levels in my brain right now, but if I miss a dose, which I'm likely to do, because I'm quite forgetful (and also very wary of swallowing pills) the pain comes back within a few hours. It's quite painful and I don't wish it on anyone, but I'd take it ANY day over a brain tumor. If this medicine doesn't start relieving the pain in a more permanent way (like, i still have blurred vision, especially early in the morning, and that's when my head hurts the most) I will probably require frequent lumbar punctures (spinal taps)to drain excess spinal fluid or have a shunt inserted - because even though this is not as serious as a brain tumor, it can cause permanent vision loss (read: blindness.) So it's no joke.
I have a few prescriptions for pain medications, but they really don't help unless I take them around the clock, pain or no pain, and I cannot stand the feeling of always floating around in a vicodin/percocet/ultram haze. It's not how I wish to live the rest of my life.
On to more pleasant news. Because of my medication - I can no longer drink SODA! My one addiction that I've battled since high school is carbonated beverages. Now, when I drink them, it tastes like ...well, when you eat something very spicy and your cheeks and tongue burn. not a good burn, a painful burn. So I've been drinking water and unsweetened cranberry juice. Now's as good a time as any to try to become healthier. Perhaps losing a chunk of the excess weight I'm carrying around will help lessen the symptoms of the IIH. That might be wishful thinking though.
As far as the rest of my life: My greatest joys lately are coming from my library time with Devan, since it's just she and I spending time looking at books (both of us are mad about reading, so this is a great thing to share. we've been going every saturday afternoon and I feel HIGH from the happiness of spending one on one time with her.)
Watching Wrenna's personality develop, seeing her become a little person, instead of this inert baby. She's not quite crawling yet, but she gets around and gets into things (today she spilled a box of industrial staples all over the floor) and I absolutely love to curl up with her in my arms and take a little nap. She makes these little tired noises until she nuzzles close to my face and fall asleep. It's absolutely the best thing I can think of. She's almost 10 months old - it's a double edged sword. I love watching her grow, but I am also like "what the hell? where did the time go?" and it terrifies me to think this might be my last baby, and it's almost over already.
Another simple pleasure is falling asleep with my head on Jon's chest, listening to him breathe. He made a promise to do ACTIVITIES with me in counseling and he seems to be really trying to keep that promise. Next week we're going to a Gogol Bordello show @ the Filmore (it's a Haiti benefit, so I'm not all bent out of shape that the tickets are pricey) and in April we're going to a taping of the Colbert Report (we've gone a few times and it's just a fun thing to do. On May 1st we're going to a Devotchka/Gogol show in Philly. He didn't have to do any of these things, isn't a Gogol or Devotchka fan, but he WANTS to, and that's the most important thing, to me.
I've been doing quite a bit of reading lately. I can't remember them all, but I read Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood last week. I reread a Wrinkle In Time this week and I'm reading When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. I've started Moonlight In Odessa (sucker for stories about Ukraine) and The Kindly Ones. I started the Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood last night, but it's due back on Saturday and I don't think I've got time to finish it. Not sure if I'll renew it. I have also finished The Weight of Silence (I wasn't super into this, but I loved the author's descriptions of the environment..if that makes sense.)
I've still got to finish the books I've started, plus I also bought Normal People Don't Live Like This (short stories) and Little Bee. I'm interested in picking up The Help, Brooklyn, Tender Morsels and What is the What. (sorry, I'm too tired to look up authors names.)
Yesterday was a fast day. Devan was only at school until 1:15, due to week-long parent teacher conferences. I wasn't feeling good all morning, so I took a nap with Wren. I felt good enough after my shower that when I picked Devan up at the bus stop, I decided to take them both shopping.
First we needed gas and I needed coffee. Oh Quick Chek, if your coffee weren't so good I'd never be able to forgive your rude employees. I'm always so torn when I find myself walking through your doors.
After coffee, tacos were necessary. Devan was hungry and I may or may not have forgotten to pack her something to eat, causing her to be the only child without something to eat at snack time. So we ate tacos (tacos and immodium for me, thanks) for lunch and headed over to Trader Joes, where I picked up PUMPKIN BUTTER and also GINGERBREAD COFFEE.
After TJ's we went to Borders, so I could feed Wrenna and Devan could nag me into buying her a book. I bought myself 2 books that I have been picking up and putting back down for a few weeks now:
Oh, those candies there, I STOLE THEM. I stuck them in the baby's stroller, meaning to buy them, but I completely forgot and didn't realize til much much later the horrible crime I'd committed. I find myself stealing lots of things lately. A package of batteries here, ibuprofen there. you know, anything that falls between the side of the shopping cart and the diaper bag. If you're expecting that I'd see what I'd done and rush back into the store to pay for said items, you're nuts. I usually discover the pilfered items after I've fastened Wrenna securely in her seat and started my car. THERE IS NO GOING BACK AT THAT POINT.
After looting Borders, I took the girls to Target, where I purchased a really awful pair of boots for myself, and an even more awful pair of boots for Devan (why are these Ugg type boots popular again??) And I got Wrenna a BUMBO CHAIR.
After this I made dinner, wound yarn into a ball, knitted and watched House, and then I finally GROOMED MY EYEBROWS (it's really annoying when you cut your bangs and remember that you haven't messed with your eyebrows in MONTHS) and then I took a shower and remembered the meteor shower. I went outside in shorts and bare feet and shivered for 45 minutes. I saw one really bright meteor and 3 little guys. It was exciting. I felt very lonely and quiet and small while i stood on my deck, which was unsettling. My stomach kept growling, so I went inside and made myself a pbj sandwich and then I went to bed.
That was my Monday. Now I need to lay down until it's time to take Devan to the bus because I only got 2 hours of sleep.
not really. but at least I remembered that I made a goal to post something every day.
I sent my resume to a job in the city today. I'm nervous but also kind of NOT NERVOUS, because deep down I wish I could stay home with my daughters forever. If I get it, I'll tell you about it.
Ok, I'm not a bad mom who takes pictures of her children pooping so I can make internet meme's. I was trying to take a pic of her overalls, which I successfully did here. Now die kanye meme.
Devan will be whatever she wants because she's at an age where everything I suggest is UNCOOL even though I'm secretly really cool, but I'm a mom so I'm uncool by default? I guess that's the way it works. I don't know.
My conundrum is this: I've always (for at least 7 years now) wanted to dress Devan as a garden gnome. She refuses. So I'm past that. But now I've got this little new baby. I could dress her as a garden gnome because she has no free will. But I feel like a garden gnome would be funnier if she could sit up at least, or walk. So next year maybe?
The easiest option I have is a ventriloquist dummy, which I am the first to admit is SLIGHTLY creepy. here's a general idea:
My second idea is Popeye. I haven't gotten around to adding the hat or can of spinach or anything but here's a pic:
I just don't know. Halloween always stresses me out.
Excuse our pallor, I had my camera on it's custom setting and clearly I do not know how to customize the settings. Anyways, I thought I'd share Wrenna, who is rapidly approaching FOUR MONTHS OLD, if you can believe it.
I don't have anything else to post about here because I'm tired. I somehow ripped my fitted bed sheet and my foot kept getting stuck in it and waking me up all night. It was unpleasant! I need to buy a new sheet!
Oh, I also wanted to say that I very much enjoy Cherry Dr. Pepper. It's very good. Better than Cherry Coke, in my opinion. I know that's probably controversial but I am not interested in arguing about it!
Tonight Devan will be sleeping over at a friend's house so it's just me and DUB (which is the nickname I find myself calling her, based on the idea that her name starts with a W. It's better than BOOBIE, which was what I was calling her for awhile, even though it has nothing to do with anything) all alone all day til Jonnyhandsome gets home. We have no plans, but sometimes that's the best. I'm rambling so I'll stop now. I'm a terrible blogger.
I cannot believe that Devan starts school in 2 weeks. I just cannottt! How is summer almost over already? I haven't even been to Ohio! I haven't seen the ocean! I haven't even put on a swimsuit! Holy moly.
I'm not sure how much longer this blog will be in this location. I've gone ahead and paid for a month of hosting, but I'm not sure I do enough with this site to continue to pay money every month to keep it. It will be a bittersweet thing when I do finally let it go. I've had this thing for 8 years and it's been nice to connect with other people and get feedback on my projects and ideas.
I've got some creative ideas churning around in my head, making it hard for me to relax. I've decided that I need to use my letterpress or sell it - I have to make a choice. It just sits there, haunting me on a daily basis. I am also thinking about selling quite a bit of my yarn. There's just no way I'll use most of it even within the next 10 years unless i suddenly go insane, knitting 24 hours a day non-stop. Honestly though, I haven't finished a project or even worked on something for more than a few minutes since before Wrenna was born. Oh, speaking of Wrenna, here's a recent pic (3 months old):
If I don't post again soon, enjoy the rest of your summer!
yea, so what? Here's a picture of my little pooper, uh, pooping while propped up on some pillows:
I'm sitting here at 12:45am, eating a BLTA (a is for avacado) on a croissant from Red Robin, sippin' a beverage, and singing 'twinkle twinkle little star' between bites, to my littlest baby, who's finding it very difficult to fall asleep tonight.
For those of you who don't know or don't remember, it's my officially my birthday since it's past midnight. We went to Red Robin earlier to redeem my free burger coupon and I had a delicious watermelon margarita on the rocks. First alcoholic beverage since Wren was uh, created. It was mighty good, but g-damn. $7 for one drink is just outrageous. Especially when I have a MargaritavilleŽ Margarita machine (Jon won this at his work holiday party last year) upstairs just waiting to be opened. I have decided that since it's my birthday we will be grilling steaks and making margaritas and sitting on my freshly scrubbed patio furniture, surrounded by my new, freshly potted plants and herbs and some pretty candles, and maybe even some twinkly lights if I can locate some for a good price.
For those of you who do know me, I seem to have turned over this brave, new leaf. I have a thing about cleaning lately. Since Wren was born I cannot stand to see dishes in the sink or dog hair on the floor or couches or cobwebs or anything else that I normally would just look right through, in favor of laying down and reading a book or playing Skipbo on my DSI. I actually was up until 4am scrubbing my floors and refrigerator and oven. Have I gone mad? Possibly. But at least it's productive and makes my family happy. Now if only i could develop some kind of compulsive healthy eating habit or a jogging habit. That would be perfect.
I apologize for this awkward, disjointed post. Half of my mind is concentrating on being very, very quiet, listening to Wren suck on her nuk, and the other half is very sleepy.
I haven't written anything here in a month! Whoops!
I'll bring you all (all one or two of you who read this) up to date on recent events. I'm 40 wks pregnant now, with no signs or symptoms of impending labor. It's getting incredibly uncomfortable, if I may complain for a few moments. I can hardly catch my breath. I see stars if I walk up the stairs too quickly. When I walk around there's a pain that shoots down from my hip to my knee. I've had heartburn for 3 months (at least.) Since January I haven't slept through the night. Lately, I wake up about 6 times per night to use the restroom - partially because my favorite thing to eat/drink is a giant cup full of water and a whole tray of ice cubes (which I enjoy chomping on more than I enjoy eating actual food.)
Ok, enough of that. I'm excited for the baby to be born, but I'm not looking forward to my 40 wk appointment tomorrow because my doctor told me last week that if I hadn't gone into labor by then she wanted to induce me. I don't want to be induced...so I'm not looking forward to the conversation. I spent a few hours in the St. Barnabas PET Unit on Wednesday, so I'm honestly not looking forward to going back to the hospital at all. In the last few months I've given a bit of thought to the "birth experience" and how ridiculous and over the top a normal labor/delivery is treated by hospitals and doctors. I really, really wish that I'd thought about this stuff seriously a LOT sooner and tried to find a birthing center or done a home birth or something with as little medical intervention as possible. Aside from Cervidel to soften my cervix, Devan was completely natural and not that big of a deal. I hate the idea of all of the monitors and IV's instead of actually drinking fluids to stay hydrated. I'm complaining again. I'll stop.
I doubt that I'll update this again before the baby is born. I just don't really have anything to talk about.
We've been busy around here... and it's been a little stressful. First we had our anniversary, which was nice and low key. I can't believe it's been 5 yrs since we ran off to Canada and got married! And now that the 10th has passed, I can't believe it's been 11 years since our first date! It's been a long, hard trip for us, full of problems and struggles but it's nice to feel like things are falling back in to place and that we're moving forward in a positive way. We've been doing marriage counseling for the last 4 months and it's helped so much. We have had a really hard time communicating for so long, and it's really opened things up and removed a lot of what we thought were problems, but were really just miscommunications. It's nice to feel close again. Things seemed pretty hopeless for awhile so it's really nice to feel hopeful!
After our anniversary we started the switch - moving our bedroom to our family room, and our family room to our bedroom. If you've ever been in my house, you'll know that my family room was a deeeeep dark red color and desperately needed to be painted. We chose a nice calm, neutral color called Gobi Desert. I'm not totally happy with putting my bedroom in this room because there are no windows, so there's no breeze, which I hate. But on the plus side - You know how when you go to a hotel and you use those blackout curtains and you can sleep all day and not know what time it is? It's like that. The pic on the left is new, and on the right is how it used to be. It's also much bigger now, with room for the changing table, baby's dresser & bassinet.
We hit a HUGE roadblock when we moved our bed into the new room. The very first night sleeping in bed, I woke up (with a terrible toothache) and heard this 'tap, tap, tap' sound. I put my arm out and water splashed on it. It turns out our upstairs toilet had started leaking (coincidentally on the same day we painted the ceiling, yay!) and was dripping through the floor. It took us a couple days to find the source of the leak and stop it - but we did. But for now, we've moved our bed onto a different wall.
Our family room is nice. Now it's the open, airy room. Lots of light and lots of room. We've done a lot of sorting and throwing things away, and moving furniture to other parts of the house to keep things more simple and nice. I am enjoying getting organized. It feels good. I don't have a pic of the family room right now. I'll wait until I've got some art on the walls or something. It's boring right now.
As far as baby news goes, well there's no 'real' news to speak of. I'm 35 wks pregnant and sort of miserable! I'm excited for her to be born and to meet her and give her kisses and smell her little head. I've been knitting and sewing and making things to give her:
I've got some more works in progress. A little pinafore, a cabled owl vest, and various other things but I'll show you pictures of them when they're finished.
In Devan news, well, she's silly as usual. She's on spring recess right now and has been watching lots of movies because it is NOT warm out. I think it's supposed to warm up towards the end of the week so we can hopefully get out of the house or have a playdate outside or something. She's excited to be a big sister (as long as it's not on her birthday!) and she likes the new bedroom/family room arrangement. I'll be back soon with a shorter, more interesting post (hopefully!)
I forgot to update this thing! Jan 2 I had my 20 wk ultrasound. It's a GIRL
So since then, girl names have been tossed around, impossibly small dresses have been purchased, and baby girl knitting has begun. Devan's pretty excited because she wanted the baby to be a girl. But the names she is picking out are...well...let's just say we're not naming a Webkinz or a kitten, we're naming a human child here!
I'll update this again when I've got some new thangs to talk about!
Today we got home from the bus stop and Devan announced that from now on she'd be calling me Mom instead of Mommy. I handled this very maturely, and told her that if she was so grown up, she could get her own cookies and milk. I will admit, I got a little teary eyed.
I feel like a giant loser complaining about being pregnant after trying so hard and putting myself through so much for so long to get this way. But that's not going to stop me.
When I was pregnant with Devan I threw up about 12 times a day, sometimes more but usually no less than that. I spent the rest of the day trying not to throw up. This went on for so long, way longer than my first trimester. This pregnancy is shaping up to be exactly the same.
I've been trying so hard not to let myself throw up, because eating is such a chore, I don't want to lose any of that hard work/nutrition. I have tried ginger ale, ginger snaps, ginger tea, ginger drops, ginger gum (which helps a little) but I'm feeling very little relief. I'm going insane. I feel like I can't leave the house for fear that I might throw up in public. Even going to the bus stop to get Devan has got me nervous (and I bring plastic bags in the car, and a bottle of ginger ale) This is getting ridiculous. Anyone got any remedies they'd care to share?
Also, if anyone knows how to reduce the appearance of busted blood vessels around the eyes (from throwing up) I'd be delighted to hear them!
I've been spending the last week or so feeling like I'm basically dying. In this time I've rekindled relationships with some long lost friends.
When I haven't been barfing my guts out, or sleeping like a dead person, I've been designing some plates to make holiday/christmas cards. I'm not gonna post them now because they're not finished, but maybe in a few days. I have to go lay back down now.
I wasn't going to say anything, but I figured that was kind of stupid. There's nothing I can do to stop something bad from happening. Not talking about it won't stop it! Ok. Here's the deal, I'm pregnant again! woo! Hopefully I'll stay that way. Want to know something weird? My due date is May 24 (Devan's 8th birthday!) She's not thrilled about that but I assured her due dates are just an estimate.
I found out on Sept. 11th while I was watching '9/11 as it happened' or whatever msnbc was broadcasting, when I checked the hpt that I took earlier in the morning and i was like 'woah that looks positive' so I took another and I was like 'woah that looks positive too!' so I ran out and drove to the store in my pajamas, and that test was positive too. So there you have it.
I won't have an ultrasound until October, so until then I'm hoping for the best, but I'm being cautious about getting excited, allthough I've decided I want to start working on some baby projects. I figure EVEN IF something happens, there's no shortage of babies who could use some cute knitted/crocheted/quilted/sewn things. Right? Here are a few things I've got my eyes on:
I'm not putting links up right now because most people who read this aren't on ravelry anyways, and wouldn't be able to access the links.
Devan started soccer today. Her coach seems nice, and I'm glad that they are really easy going and not really interested in who wins, but just being active and having fun. I think Devan really enjoyed herself, which is great. I always wanted to play soccer in school but I my parents weren't home that time of day to cart me all over and my mom was worried I'd be molested by whoever would take me home so I wasn't allowed. I'm living vicariously through Devan but in a positive and not oppressive way!
Devan also started school this week. She seems to really like it. She misses her 1st grade teacher but she said 2nd grade is going to be so much more fun than 1st. She's delighted that Lauren goes to her school now. Devan, Kellie and Lauren all get along really well and sit together in a 3 seater on the bus every morning. It's cute. Here's a pic from their first day:
I just turned on the O'Reilly Factor (I don't know why.) Laura Ingraham is on. She's really obnoxious, complaining about Luda. Bitch please.. Even her voice is annoying. I want to hit her in the face really bad.
Ohio Friends - I'm coming to you this weekend. I'm going to see Gogol Bordello Sat. night at House of Blues in Cleveland, and after that I'll be hangin' round my parents house. So let's get together people! There are only 3 things I'm certain of during my trip: 1. I am going to eat the shit out of a Marie's (in Wadsworth) salad. 2. I'm going to eat heartily at Wild Ginger. 3. I'm going to dance my pants off at the Gogol Bordello show and attempt to touch the hutz's weiner. help me figure out what else to do.
Today I went to Best Buy and had a new car stereo installed. Now I can listen to all of my music from my ipod without making cds and I'm psyched! Unfortunately, when I opened the door to the installation bay to pay for the work they did, the door (which was super heavy) shut on Devan's heel. She has a humongous gash on the back of her foot now, and a really thick flap of skin is hanging off. I was so annoyed that the guy at best buy was completely unphased (devan's foot was bleeding all over the floor and her shoe) and i had to ask the guy to give me a paper towel, he was like completely disinterested and I was getting really annoyed. Whatever, anyways I'm worried that she's gonna have a hard time wearing her riding boots tomorrow :( Tomorrow is her last day at camp, and hopefully I can catch her riding her horse and get some nice pix.
Well I made it through my HSG and it wasn't too terrible. Well, I lie. It was terrible as soon as it was over and remained that way until I woke up (late) this morning. Now I just feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen that I hope will go away soon! Anyways, everything's clear so hopefully I can have a freakin' baby. Jeez.
I don't really have much to talk about. I spent a LOT of time today looking at pictures of this week's HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK, Fabrizio Moretti.
and just for fun here's a pic I photoshopped (my pic was taken in photobooth so there was really no way to make it look authentic) but it's making me laugh alot!
Aren't we a lovely couple? Well I've got to go get ready to return my slushy machine (it broke) and take Devan to her Girl Scouts end of the year party. Later dudez.
My new bed was delivered last week and basically the bed and I are in love. That's not the reason I'm in bed right now though. We had an a/c service dude come out and look at our central air unit and it's pretty much shot and it costs a lot to replace it (and we just redid our whole room so we don't have any money.) Hopefully we can come up with a payment plan before I whither and die. So anyways, back to my tale of woe, this morning, after waking up drenched in sweat (lovely, I know) partly from the heat and partly due to 'hot flashes' from the fertility drugs I have to take, I decided to get in my car and sit for awhile with the a/c running. After that I put on some lip gloss and went to walmart and bought a couple fans. Then I went to Quick Chek and bought a gigantic icy (at 9am. I felt pathetic) Right now I've got one fan in front of me and one fan behind me and I'm still freaking miserable. Jon is taunting and teasing me from upstairs because he knows that I refuse to budge from this position (unless the new position involves air conditioning or cool water)It's going to be even hotter this week! What on earth am I going to do? Maybe I'll just go shopping all week until I'm forced by my parental duties to come home. Ugh.
So as I mentioned I'm on the fert. drugs again. Hopefully this time they'll work because this is the last time I can use them. Doing any more rounds of clomid increases uterine/ovarian cancer risks. If it doesn't work we're basically out of luck and probably will not have another baby. Injectible treatments and IVF cost alot, plus I'm not really interested in doing anything too invasive. Oh well enough of that.
Right now Devan is at her first EVER sleep-over. My friend Jenny had a party last night and Devan spent the night. She got to sleep in a/c. I'm jealous. I was up until 2 am, sweating and reading about the most unbelievable thing ever. A baby juggalo funeral. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain further - but let's just say my mind has been blown like 8 different times over the past 12 hrs.
Oh - my original reason for posting. I've been saving this HOT DUDE OF THE WEEK (which really isn't weekly, sorry) for a long time (8th or 9th grade long) but I came across this totally hot pic of him and felt compelled to add him to the list: PAUL RUDD
I didn't really like Paul Rudd in knocked up UNTIL the cirque de soleil scene/hotel room w/ all the chairs scene. Holy crap. That was hilarious. But I loved him in Clueless, The Shape of Things, Romeo & Juliet, etc. That's it for now - I have another dude in mind for next week (no it's not HUGH LAURIE, even though I don't know how I'm gonna live until the next season of House starts. *sigh*)
Hey guys. I've been sorta avoiding blogging because I really don't have much of anything positive to say. The last few weeks have sucked for me. Losing Dee was very sad, and I'm also having such a terrible time getting over losing my baby. I cry alot, I can't focus on anything... I try to just sleep the day away just so I won't be alone that long. It's been hard. I know I was only pregnant for a few short weeks, but I think it's the fact that i wanted it so bad, and had been trying for so long, it was like a dream come true and I immediately was so happy and fulfilled and everything was going my way. I instantly was in love with the idea of being pregnant and having the baby and I made all these plans and had all these hopes and goals for this baby.... only to have it all fall to pieces.
It might sound dumb, but the only thing really helping me cope right now has been knitting and knitting and knitting my little hands off. I've finished several pairs of socks and started several more. It's compulsive but it helps. It's meditative. I don't need tv - because when i do watch, I find myself drawn to shows about babies and adoption and all of these things that I can't handle emotionally yet. Ugh. Well here's a mosaic I made of the socks I've been working on/finished lately:
Jon and I have kind of agreed that I should start seeing a therapist again, to help me get through this. I've become pretty anxious and worried about the idea of trying to conceive again. I'm really terrified of losing another pregnancy. I am hoping that with time and talk, I can get past this and want to try again:)
Devan didn't have school today so she did the following:
read 3 junie b books
filled out 3 different online surveys and put my phone number in there so I got all these people calling my cell phone asking for devan and I had to explain several times that devan is only 6 and is not yet interested in pocono vacations or college degrees.
taped cotton balls over her eyebrows so she'd have "old eyebrows"
made a fort out of girl scout cookie boxes
she also did our bio's (she pronounced it BEE-OH'S)
Jon/Dad:
My dad is omg he and lily are BFFs. he's crazy. well you know what i'm better than him at a easter egg hunt :)
secret fact: His tickle spot is in his left arm pit!!!
lil' mama:
my mom sometimes is nice. well she is alot. and she will not get me a ipod. :(
secret fact: she wants a french bulldog puppy
lily:
lily is a great dog. she scares me when i'm wild and she's a peanut butter maniack!!
secret fact: her fave coloer is purple!!!!
Could I stop having this stupid cough? It's really bad and vaporub and mucinex are not helping. I don't want to go to the doctor because I just took Devan and she had tests done and supposedly it's not a big deal. Either way both of us are hacking our lungs up all day long.
We had a nasty snow storm thing around here. Devan didn't have school today and our cable/internet was off ALL DAY. BOO! I didn't really care because I'm preoccupied with babymaking, but Devan was pretty irritated.
Back to the subject of babymaking - I'm already tired of this process. Not the "babymaking" but the waiting and the not knowing and the side effects of the different fertility meds. I'm not looking forward to negative preg tests, I will tell you that right now. I can barely stand the thought of this not working. I really need to get over it though, because I honestly don't FEEL like the meds worked this time. OPK's I've taken have yet to show any signs of anything working.
If you don't mind, keep us in your thoughts. We do want this very badly.
Thing a week sounds more reasonable at this point. I've been too sick from the meds to do any heavy duty...anything, so, yea that's where I'm at. I've been knitting a sweater but no one wants to see that.
I'm having a hard time with the whole "blogging" thing right now, so bear with me (if anyone's left to bear with me.)
I've got 2 things to talk about right now. 1. Jon and I have started a new fertility treatment and hopefully we will see results (i.e. a baby) very soon!
2. I've decided to sign up for this:
Hopefully thing-a-day will help me to not obsess over the baby-makin' and will also help me feel more creative, and you know, like I'm doing something with my time.
Oh yea, one more thing. Remember how I mentioned going back to school? Well it wasn't gonna work out this semester, for several reasons. Also, the only classes I even cared about were CANCELLED! Wtf? Ok that's it for today.
She's got what dentists call "shark teeth" meaning that her permanent teeth are growing in behind her baby teeth. I was concerned for some time about when the little guys were gonna finally fall out.
Since Dev was so sick on Saturday, and Jon was out of town (boo) we decided to postpone having the tooth fairy visit until Sunday night. At the last minute Sunday night, I got the idea to sew her a little tooth pillow that she could stick her teeth in, and put on her night stand (for easy money/tooth exchanging) So we turned on episode 3 of Tin Man and I got to work sewing the little tooth pillow:
I'd planned on embroidering a little face on the pillow but I actually like it better just the way it is. Unfortunately it's made of acrylic felt which makes me want to barf when I touch it. I only had cream colored wool felt and I thought that would make for a pretty gross looking tooth.
I think the tooth turned out so cute that I want to make more little felt things (but out of wool, not acrylic, gag!) We'll see if I can set aside some time for sewing. haha
instead of having a ball up at Mohonk, I'm sitting here, cozy in my family room. devan's come down with some sort of illness. she's got a high fever and was vomiting throughout the night last night. while she's feeling better than she was, she wanted her mommy and i couldn't argue with that.
jon's gone to the hotel alone, but feels terrible about it. i keep reassuring him that it's ok, and to have fun for both of us, but he feels guilty and sad. oh well, in the morning it will be over!
cross your fingers that devan makes a speedy recovery!
1. If I don't get pregnant soon, I'm going to go insane.
2. Devan's a 1st grader now. She felt sick on her first day, because she was soooo nervous. Here's a pic (one of many that turned out weird due to the weird, distressed looks she kept giving me)Click for a few more 1st day photos.
3. I finally saw knocked up. My opinions on the movie are mixed. See #1 for one reason why.
4. I'm knitting something adorable. I'll show you soon.
5. I love the newest photo & print project, A New Emptiness, from port2port press. I feel soooo many different things when I look at the photos.
That's it for now. I'll catch up with ya next week.
That's what we've been doing around here. Honestly though, I've been pretty busy. I'm working on a quilt, I made Devan 3 dresses, there has been knitting, and I've read several books. I'll talk about all of that next week. Until then here are a couple pictures:
Devan's just finished her last day of kindergarten. I'm brainstorming all of the fun and exciting things we can do this summer (besides wii.) There will be visits to the playground, bike riding at the park, reading out loud (teacher said so!) and many other fun things. I'm also trying to remember if Dev has a camera? If not, I'll pick up a few disposable ones for her or maybe she can borrow the junky old digital camera we have, so she can take lots of pictures this summer.
That should be fun! I need to make a real list of things we can do. I had considered letterboxing with her, but we may not get around to something so involved.
Cupcakes & goodie bags were given to her class! Check out these cupcakes, I got the idea from Hop Skip Jump:
I've been very nostalgic for my little baby Devan lately, as well as having an extreme case of baby fever (which I'll be starting treatment for next week.) Look at how little Dev used to be:
Her party is tomorrow. I can't wait to steal her Wii from her!
