I'm gonna start sketching again. It's been awhile. The longer I go, the more I wait. It's just like anything else, when you stop for awhile you're not so good anymore. You get scared that you'll be worse than you remember and then you won't want to do it anymore.
Hopefully I won't have too much design work to do tomorrow, (and hopefully school is not cancelled again for Dev!) so I can devote some time away from the mouse and monitor, to good old fashioned pencil and paper.
This morning I cradled Devan and stroked her hair for an hour on the couch upstairs. She wasn't feeling well. I thought I'd have to take the day off and stay with her, because she didn't want to leave the house unless she felt well enough to go to school, but suddenly she felt completely better. And I felt sad. Sad that she didn't need me and sad that I wasn't eager to stay at home with her. Sad that this is such an internal struggle.
I wish I could go back in time to 3 years ago and just savor the mornings we spent together. I wish that I knew then, what I know now. That these moments are to be remembered. We weren't killing time. We were living and making memories that I rely on to get me through every day away from her.
I don't think I was meant for this 9-5 ratrace kind of life. I don't do well under 'stress' because I have a hard time even understanding why it's important to get worked up over work related things. Even now that I've quit one job, I still find that there's not enough time to even work up a moment that I can savor. It's hustling and bustling, out the door, late to this, forgetting that. By the time the weekend arrives, I'm not even happy to be at home because there's too much work to do and I find myself unable to relax, or get creative.
I hate this powerless feeling of wishing life would just SLOW DOWN.
Ugh. I just updated my blog using my dashboard widget and for some reason it disappeared. Hm.
So last night was my last night at el Heraldo. It was mildly depressing, as NO ONE said goodbye or good luck or anything of that nature (except Pat and C) but honestly, that just reaffirmed my decision to quit! I've worked there almost 2 years and no one could be decent enough to wish me well? Seriously, it's not like I ran over their puppies, I just quit my job. If they couldn't see it coming, well, that's not my problem. I hate when people act like THEY are doing you a favor by letting you work someplace. It's like... you wouldn't be there if you weren't paid (which I BARELY was)
Enough about that.
I'm happy that, after 2 years, I will finally be able to tuck my daughter in to bed at night and read her a story if there's time, and cook dinner for my family. The last 3 months have been so difficult, I barely held on. I saw Devan maybe 10 min. a day, during which she'd amaze me and surprise me with how much she's growing intellectually (on someone else's watch) and then I'd be sad all the way to work that she was becoming a stranger to me. But not anymore.
I'm also excited to have the opportunity to finally devote some time to my letterpress. I want to get my feelers out there so I can get an idea of what direction I plan to go in (creatively) I don't want to do too much right now, because I really need to de-stress. I've finally fixed my tooth and I feel amazing every day (aside from stomach issues, but it's been forever since I've felt good in that dept.) and I'm no longer in a vicodin haze. All in all I'm pretty positive that 2007 is shaping up to be a much better year than 2006.
I'm at work. WORK. It's 4:35pm and I'm at work. You may be scratching your head and wondering why. Well, I'll tell you why.
I got a new job! I'm working 9-5 at another newspaper and it's a pretty sweet job. It's a bigger paper with um, *ahem* better style than the other one. Today's my first day and I already like it alot. I'm still at my other job for now.. I don't know if they'll want me to stay on since my hours have had to change recently. We shall see. That's it for now, I've got to get back to my etchasketch and wikapedia widgets (oh i love dashboard!) - tootles.
ALOT is going on. That's all I can say right now because I have to get up very early tomorrow and for the rest of my life. I will tell you about it later.
In the meantime I will leave you with 2 photos. My dear husband and my sweetie pie daughter modeling hats I knit for a special person in our lives who was recently diagnosed with cancer. The first hat was knit in Debbie Bliss Cashmerino DK and the second (unblocked in the photo) was knit in Debbie Bliss Pure Silk. Both patterns can be found at Head Huggers
-(8-08) LIKING:
baking, my bed, sleeping in my bed, indian food, my birthday, Ricky Gervais, tenament museums, linen, Air (the french band), Hugh Laurie, Intervention, babies, Iron & Wine, Clive Owen, buttered toast & strawberry jam, letterpress, Yeats,
Robin's egg blue, Fabrizio Moretti, 30 Rock, mini-pigs, hotel chevalier, steak, Paul Rudd, spring cleaning, tea, young Paul Newman, pigs, Quebec, Foreign Films, ginger ale, Rohinton Minstry, Montclair NJ,
modern simple quilts, sewing animals, summer, hating infertility, white on white, paper, cute french & japanese things, stamps and ink
